July 22, 2025
Mom Is Very Involved: A Culture of
“Niceness”.
The document, “Considerations for Program Planning,” on the Government of Ontario website, serves as a guide for educators in teaching the curriculum and fostering a healthy learning environment.
The title of this document is soft. I suggest Compulsory Considerations for Program Planning.
It hits differently, emphasizing the importance, and removes the optional suggestion because, honestly, when did these values become voluntary?
The following paragraphs, taken from this document, outline the essential elements for healthy relationships, human rights, equity, and inclusion.
“Every student is entitled to learn in a safe, caring environment, free from discrimination, violence, and harassment. Research has shown that students learn and achieve better in such environments. A safe and supportive social environment in a school is founded on healthy relationships – the relationships between students, between students and adults, and between adults. Healthy relationships are based on respect, caring, empathy, trust, and dignity, and thrive in an environment in which diversity is honoured and accepted. Healthy relationships do not tolerate abusive, controlling, violent, bullying/harassing, or other inappropriate behaviours.”
“Human rights principles recognize the importance of creating a climate of understanding and mutual respect for the dignity and worth of each person, so that each person can contribute fully to the development and well-being of their community. Indeed, human rights law guarantees a person’s right to equal treatment in education. It requires educators and school leaders to prevent and respond appropriately to discrimination and harassment, to create an inclusive environment, to remove barriers that limit the ability of students, and to provide accommodations, where necessary.”
I suspect that most, if not all of us reading, think yes, absolutely, and certainly!
So what is my point? And yes, of course I have one.
On June 4, 2021, my husband and I met with the superintendent, principal, and vice principal. This meeting was organized at our request, following our review of the information obtained through the Freedom of Information Act.
This meeting mainly went well. My husband and I left it feeling heard and believing that next year would be different. They would ensure that they did not repeat the mistakes of grade 9. This principal often told me that, as educators, she likes to believe they, too, are capable of learning. The superintendent came across as very genuine. Perhaps he truly is the person he
presented himself as, or maybe he said all the right things because he was retiring in two weeks. The VP did not say much, perhaps because she was at the centre of almost every human rights and dignity violation that my daughter experienced that school year.
Now, the VP said one thing that sadly repeats in my head from time to time. As we were wrapping up, she stated that she felt a big part of the problem was that the teachers were accustomed to a culture of niceness.
A Culture of Nice.
She was referring to the fact that I wasn’t being nice or that the teachers didn’t perceive me as nice. I refer to this as ‘good girl syndrome’ in my private practice. And make no mistake about it, I am not aiming to be “nice” when the expectation of “nice” means that I need to be agreeable, not voice my concerns, accept information without question, and accept your expertise without evidence.
More often than not, the educators we met along the way applied their meaning to what they did not understand about my daughter and me. When they could not relate to our communication style, they decided that we were rude and malicious. When my daughter was dysregulated, they determined that she was misbehaving. When we did not punish her for “misbehaving”, we were labelled bad parents, lax, and spoiling. So many of these educators choose the label that fits
with what they want to be true, allowing them to rationalize their ongoing abuse and discrimination.
If we are not nice, then we deserve their vindictiveness from their perspective.
Is this the culture we are seeking to perpetuate in our developing youth?
I am a person with ADHD, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type, and autistic traits. Of course, my neurotype influences my communication style. This is no different than neurotypical people. The problem, not a new one, is that the characteristics of dominant groups are normalized, while those of minority groups are not.
As a neurodivergent person, I am exhausted from a near-constant expectation of neurotypical conformity. I am no longer willing to engage in intentional social camouflage. I sometimes still fall into that black hole. Still, it is less frequent and no longer driven by a neurotypical need; it still happens because it is related to the challenges of breaking a lifelong coping strategy that helped me survive. This type of survival comes at the cost of neurodivergent wellness, and these days, I no longer care if I am accepted by people who don’t get it. This was hard for most of the teachers to grasp.
I adore information, and I wish you could see my smile as I write that. Some of you will instantly grasp the meaning of this statement. At times, this affection has a downside—sometimes for you and sometimes for me.
Some of the impacts of my love for information include my refusal to accept parenting advice or guidance from individuals who lack credible sources. If you want me to trust what you’re saying, I expect you to provide your sources. I won’t rely on gossip from the lunchroom or overheard conversations in the grocery line, nor will I accept your claims as truth without verification. Additionally, I do not feel responsible for how your ego perceives a threat from my inquiries.
The most significant hazard to my relationship with the educators arose when I asked how they knew their approach was correct. It became especially tense when I informed them that I had read nothing, ever, that supported what they were telling me.
Adult professionals should not provide guidance or make potentially life-changing decisions for children and youth based on their misunderstandings and distorted views of how people should be.
Stop using my (our) neurotype as an excuse for your poor behaviour and ignorance.
I also noticed that no one spoke about my husband in the same way that they talked about me. No one accused him of being too directive or playing games when his name was also on the email. There was little gossip, if any, that included him, even when he was at the meetings with us. When they spoke to my daughter about him, they would say things like, ‘You will live in your parents’ basement, off your dad’s money.’ They tried to erase my value, my contributions, my voice.
Make no mistake, when the VP looked across the table as she uttered her comment about the culture of niceness, she was only looking at me.
None of this is very nice.
Government documents that cite the importance of safe, supportive, and inclusive environments are not enough. Reading about the significance of these practices is not enough to ensure professionalism, basic human decency, or acceptance of diverse neurotypes.
I am tired of absorbing the words of people who speak beautifully and say all the right things. I want to see these beautiful words embedded into practice. Sadly, without oversight, those with even a small amount of power and authority are eager to use it over those they perceive as having less. This is why we need a healthy government and effective regulatory bodies.
One final note to end grade 9.
On June 27, 2021, after the school year ended, we submitted a complaint to the Teacher’s College regarding one of the teachers. We did not take this decision lightly. My husband and I went on many walks, often discussing whether we should file a formal complaint. Looking back on what I know now, I would tell myself to spend less time talking about this because, while it’s a meaningful gesture, it’s unlikely to yield a meaningful outcome and is even more unlikely to receive the attention it deserves. To you, fellow advocates, I say do it and don’t spend more than 5 minutes wondering if you should.
Your ADHD Advocate,